Heterosexual sex that involves my female wife using a handheld dildo to anally penetrate me, her male partner, is an erotic and deeply intimate experience, the pleasure of which is difficult to describe. While I don’t always feel like it, on occasion, I crave anal attention to the point where I sense the proverbial “butterflies in my stomach” at just the thought of my wife probing me.
Physical pleasure is just one aspect that makes the activity so enjoyable. There’s no question that the anus and area around the prostate are filled with sensitive nerve endings. However, the physiology is only one piece of why the activity is so immensely pleasurable.
For me, what makes receptive anal play so intense and deeply satisfying is the vulnerability required for the activity. Few sex acts require the deep level of layered trust needed to successfully partake in this form of pleasuring. First, receptive anal play with a handheld dildo places me into a physically vulnerable position; I need to trust that my wife won’t physically hurt me. The taboo nature of the act also requires emotional vulnerability; I need to trust that my wife won’t tell her friends or family about this embarrassing activity I enjoy. Finally, I need to trust giving her control of my body; she is literally inside of me. This act requires completely putting my guard down.
But beyond the layers of trust is, perhaps, another deep, yet subtly unique psychological release I experience from anal with my wife. In my normal work, social, and family life, I enjoy being in control and serving as the trailblazer with the teams I manage. I’m routinely under pressure to perform while going down new, uncharted paths. While I enjoy being the leader much of the time, receptive anal led by my wife provides an opportunity to “hand the keys over” and entrust my wife to take charge of the activity. Some would label this as dominant & submissive play and/or role reversal. Both classifications seem roughly appropriate; the very act of transferring control from me to my wife for this short period of time and the juxtaposition of normally being in control to being relieved of control is powerfully freeing.
Receptive anal play to climax provides tremendous anxiety and tension relief that is usually superior to that which I get through penile play. The best way for me to describe it is as follows: when my wife and I have penis in vagina sex that results in my orgasming, I feel a satisfying sense of pressure relief, but much of that relief is focused on my pelvic area. When looking overall at my entire body, if body tension was measured on a scale of 0 to 100 (with 100 being the max tension felt pre-orgasm and 50 being my normal tension), I feel like overall body tension is a 20 after having a penile-centered orgasm.
On the other hand, an anal orgasm given to me by my wife relieves stress to an entirely different degree. On that same 0-to-100 scale, a good anal orgasm gets me to a body tension of 0…. what I call the “protoplasmic goo” stage where my entire body goes limp. But why does an anal orgasm result in such an extraordinary release? To understand that, it's important to fill in some graphic details that lead up to the release.
But first, what is an “anal orgasm?” My definition of an anal orgasm is a climax caused exclusively or near-exclusively by stimulation of the anus and rectum. Across the literature, it’s commonly reported that most men can’t orgasm from anal stimulation alone; some penis stimulation is also needed. This was originally the case for me. I have not been able to achieve a true anal orgasm on my own. However, when my wife is in control and we’re in the right mood, I can orgasm from anal alone without any touching of my penis. In fact, I no longer like any penis play while I’m receiving anal from my wife. While some pressure on my penis, such as laying on my stomach or lightly squeezing its base or my testicles, assists in the build-up to an anal orgasm, any additional stimulation such as her giving me a blowjob, handjob, or either of us touching my penis while having male-receptive anal sex is a distraction that “short-circuits” an anal orgasm from happening and dampens the overall experience.
If an anal orgasm is so good at relieving tension, what is so different about it? My experience is that the sensations and feelings I get from an anal orgasm vs. a traditional penile orgasm are quite different. For coffee drinkers, the comparison between an anal orgasm versus a penile orgasm is akin to comparing a latte with an espresso… both forms of coffee, but very different beverages. Both anal and penile orgasms yield a release of tension, rhythmic contractions, and a surge of endorphins. But the big difference for me is an anal orgasm is full-bodied whereas a penile orgasm is focused mostly in the pelvic area.
When my wife and I engage in giving me receptive anal dildo play, I prepare by using the bathroom, cleaning up, and getting some toys ready for play, usually one to three toys depending on the mood. While there are many types of anal toys, from butt plugs to beads to prostate massagers, the tool type that does it best for me is a realistic rubber dildo. While I started anal exploration in my late teens with smaller toys that were maybe 4” long and ½” in diameter, I’ve grown to enjoy larger toys and the feeling of being full. My largest toy today is about 9 ½” long (8” insertable) and 2 ¼” in diameter but takes time to get in and requires using smaller toys first during the same sex session. Due to the size of this toy, it is not one that I’d use at every session; it is for special occasions where we have a lot of time to work up to it.
Before we start, I’ll put condoms on all the dildos we plan to use and apply lube both to the toys and my anus. If we’ll be doing some deep anal probing with a longer or larger toy, I’ll also squirt some extra lube into my rectum. In addition to the toys, I also put a condom on my penis. I then place the toys onto the bed over a towel. I’ll also place a large bath towel down on the bed where we plan to have our activities. With the setup in place before we start, our sex session is much more fluid; we can quickly progress from one toy and position to the next without stopping to get a condom or apply initial lube to a toy. However, we do keep the lube closeby to reapply if needed.
Once the prep is done, we usually start by getting undressed and hugging each other. I fondle her breasts and we engage in some deep kissing. The anticipation can be incredibly high before we start and this can cause its own stress; the caressing and kissing helps to calm me so I can get my mind into the mood. Usually a minute or two in, my wife will gently push me onto the bed.
For starting position, I generally like to get into the bed and lie flat on my back with my legs spread widely with my knees bent. My wife will then kneel or sit between my legs. We’ll sometimes place a pillow or two under me to raise my hips up and give my wife better access. Once in position, my wife will take one of the dildos and slowly press the lubricated tip onto my anus. My heart is always pounding at this point- it doesn’t matter how good or bad my day has been- I’m 100% in this moment. I’ll stare into her eyes and she’ll look at me while she begins applying pressure to the dildo. If it’s been a few weeks or months since our last session, it might take several minutes to get in even a smaller-to-medium size dildo. If any pain is felt, I ask her to back off. While anal dildos, large ones in particular, may create intense new sensations from the pressure and fullness on entry, pain to the point of, “Ouch, this is very painful,” means to stop- something isn’t right. In some cases, it may be a matter of needing more lube. In others, more relaxation or play with a smaller toy may be required.
At this point, I need to concentrate on relaxing. I will often take some deep breaths, close my eyes, and just relax while my wife is continuing to apply pressure and jiggling the dildo on my ass. I can feel my anus start to relax while my wife is continuing to push. Eventually, my anus begins to open and the head of the dildo starts penetrating. She’ll apply some additional pressure and the dildo head will completely slide into my rectum with my anus clamping down tightly around the shaft just under the head of the dildo.
The moment of entry - where the entire dildo head slides completely in - is intense. I will sometimes be shaking here. Usually, my wife will pause at this point and let me catch my breath and get use to the sensation and fullness before pushing further. For some, the extraordinary combination of pressure and fullness may be overwhelming and perhaps even a bit scary; the feeling is unique and nothing like any other experience I’ve felt. So long as there isn’t pain, the trick is to relax, breathe, and take a moment to get acclimated to this foreign body in your rectum.
While my wife usually pauses at this point, she tried something different during our last session that left me breathless.
We were playing with a new, large dildo that was 9 ½” x 2 ¼”. I had practiced with it on my own and had barely gotten it into my rectum an inch; its size was intense to take and was really stretching me. This was the first time I was using this large dildo with my wife. We had already warmed me up with a smaller dildo and I was mentally and physically prepared for more. After grabbing the large rubber dildo from the towel, my wife used both her hands to guide it to my quivering hole. She asked, “Are you ready?,” to which I replied yes by nodding my head in the affirmative. She began pressing the dildo for a few minutes, but it wasn’t going anywhere. I needed to further relax in order to take this.
I began taking deep, slow breaths and relaxing my body, thinking about my head, my chest, my stomach, my legs, and my feet all relaxing. While I continued to relax, my wife kept a constant pressure on the large dildo. We were both quiet and everything was still - you could hear a pin drop. About 10 minutes later, I finally started to feel my anus opening while I maintained this meditative state. I whispered to my wife, “press harder.” All of a sudden, it happened. “Oh my God,” came out of my mouth. In one slow, firm stroke, the entire head was swallowed into my rectum! But my wife didn’t stop there!
Rather than pausing, she continued the slow and steady thrust forward, causing this huge dildo to continue sliding in… 2”... 3”... 4”... my legs were shaking and my eyeballs rolled back into my head in intense pleasure… 5”... 6”!
At this point, I lost complete control as my body started spasming around this intruder. But my wife kept going!!!
She hit some resistance as the head hit the curve deep in my rectum. Without missing a step, she slightly turned the dildo causing it to slide further in …. 7”.... 8”. Suddenly, the large rubber balls hit firmly against my anus and it was completely in, head-to-balls in less than 10 seconds.
“OHHHHHHHHH MY GODDDDDDDDDD!!!!”
I screamed in ecstasy. My wife replied, “It’s completely in!”
This is one of the most intense physical experiences of my life. “Don’t move!” I blurted in what must have sounded like a foreign tongue with my slurring speech. I couldn’t believe it. I quickly reach down to feel my ass. All I felt was the end of the dildo… there wasn’t even a millimeter between the balls and my anus. It was completely inside of me! OH MY GOD.
I worked to mentally take in what was happening- the sensations were deep and overwhelming. While this might sound weird to someone who hasn’t experienced this, I felt like I was split in two, but in a toe-curlingly fantastic way.
At this point, I feel totally vulnerable and bonded to my wife. She’s giving me a gift of immense physical pleasure. I am in awe of her and what she is doing to me. I wish she could experience exactly what I feel right now. I love her deeply for this gift.
She takes the lead and begins slowly withdrawing the dildo from my rectum. I feel like my insides are being shifted and moved as she is sliding it out. “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!”, is all I keep saying. Once it was about 5” out, she slowly pumped it back in.
Agggggggggggggggg!!! It feels like my internal organs are being massaged and moved. Everything on my body is suddenly sensitive from my fingertips to my toes.
The pumping picks up some pace. I’m being fucked by my wife- there is no question about it. Sweat is pouring from my body and I can see my abdomen slightly pulsating to the timing of my wife’s pumping. I remind myself to relax; I lay back and just take the pumping. “Yes! Yes! Yes!,” I scream to myself timed with my wife’s thrusting. My feet start spasming and my toes fan out on their own. All the while, my wife keeps pumping my ass…. 1 2 3 4 5… in-out, in-out, in-out. She is working me vigorously; I can see beads of sweat forming on her brow as her arm muscles flex hard to pull and thrust rhymically and deeply into my rectum. “AH!, AH!, AH!,” escapes from my mouth, my moans aligned with my wife’s administrations.
“I’m going to turn over,” I say, out of breath. My wife slowly withdraws the dildo and I feel completely empty. My anus and rectum feel thoroughly massaged. Happy hormones are surging through me.
I quickly turn over and lie flat on my stomach, stretching my arms and legs out across the bed to be fully exposed. My wife gives me a loving slap on my ass, then begins to slowly insert the dildo once more. It takes a minute or two to find the hole and get me to relax again in this position, but once my anus starts to give way, my wife plunges the dildo back in to the hilt in one smooth, steady thrust.
A gutteral, animalistic scream comes out of my mouth and are muffled by the pillow. My wife presses down on my lower back with one hand while she begins to work the dildo vigorously into my ass. I feel my stomach moving as she works the dildo in my rectum. I grab at the sheets with my fists while feeling completely spread out, exposed, and vulnerable. She experiments with angles, slight twisting, depth, and speed. I’m in complete ecstasy the whole time; she can do anything she wants to me.
She begins deep thrusting the dildo- pulling it most of the way out, then plunging it in. “Harder!” I scream as I feel liquid leaking from my penis and an anal orgasm building.
“Oh my God! Oh my God! I’m almost there,” I pant.
My wife thrusts the dildo deep into me while holding me down with her other hand- that sets me off. My whole body begins spasming and I start screaming uncontrollably. Pillows and sheets are flying off the bed while my wife continues to pump through my orgasmic contractions. My anus and rectum are clamping down so tight that it’s becoming difficult to slide the dildo. However, my wife hardens her grip and keeps pumping me through the orgasm. I’m screaming into the last remaining pillow under my face.
As I start coming down from my high, my wife slowly removes the dildo from my ass. I’m in a state of heavenly bliss now. This is what I mean by being a 0 on the body tension scale - the “protoplasmic goo” stage.
For men familiar with more traditional penile orgasms, it should be clear how remarkably different such traditional orgasms are from the above description of an anal orgasm. It’s like latte vs. espresso- each share similarities but are uniquely different from one another.
While reading the above experience, one might wonder what’s happening with my penis while I’m receiving anal sex? And why did I put a condom on my penis before I started? First, my penis was not massaged by me or my wife the entire time. While I may have squeezed my testicles or the base of my penis at some points while on my back , I do not want my penis massaged. When progressing to an anal orgasm, massaging my penis causes me to lose focus and can result in a penile orgasm that is nothing like what I described above. So no penis touching.
If anal orgasms feel so immensely pleasurable, are they better than penile sex? And do I prefer anal over penile sex? Once again, I refer to my food analogies. It’s like the difference between sweet and savoury foods. Sometimes I feel like sweet and sometimes I feel like savory. I like both. But most of the time, my preference is traditional penile sex with my wife. When I masturbate on my own, it’s almost always with my penis; I perhaps only incorporate anal into 2% of my masturbation sessions. However, every 3 or so weeks, I start craving some anal attention from my wife. And unlike penis play where I do it alone or with my wife, I nearly always want my wife involved with my anal play. The pleasure I derive from anal masturbation does not come close to that which my wife gives me during anal sex. Consequently, from her perspective, it would seem like my frequency of wanting anal play is higher than from my perspective.
During receptive anal sex with my wife, it is common for my penis to migrate between states of softness and hardness. I’ve read this is common for others. The analogy I give on why this happens is it's like trying to pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time. These two activities are different and each require focus to properly engage. Similarly, anal sex is lighting up slightly different parts of the brain than penile stimulation; anal pleasure shifts focus off the penis, thus causing the penis to sometimes lose erection. I think this also explains why touching my penis during anal sex results in a less intense experience overall; patting one’s head while rubbing one’s belly generally means neither activity is done well. In summary, your penis will likely soften at points during anal sex - that’s fine.
Why did I put a condom on my penis? Despite the lack of penis involvement, I still ejaculate during an anal orgasm. The ejaculations tend to contain more fluid than a traditional penile orgasm. Furthermore, semen sometimes drips out of my penis earlier in the activity due to all the massaging of the prostate through the rectal wall by the dildo. Since I typically enjoy anal orgasming while lying prone on my stomach, not wearing a condom would mean spraying ejaculate all over the bed with this position. So the main motivation behind wearing a condom is to make cleanup easier. That said, there is a minor secondary benefit that it slightly reduces sensation on the penis which helps ensure the orgasm occurs anally and not from penile stimulation.
While engaging in receptive anal sex with my wife, beyond the above positions I pointed out, there are a few preferences that help to make the experience even more intense for me. First, I like when my wife wears lingerie while engaging in the activity. I think it kind of works like Pavlov’s dog when the dinner bell was rang. When I see my wife wearing lingerie, it means, “Get ready, we’re having sex now.” I instantly feel this surge of adrenaline flow through me. I suspect there is also a vulnerability dynamic at play here; her wearing lingerie “exposes” her to me in a unique, perhaps slightly embarrassing way from her point of view. My wife doesn’t especially like to wear lingerie, but we’ve found a good compromise with her wearing a thong or g-string for the activity. This was a good compromise and does the trick for me.
Another thing I like during anal sex is when my wife presses down on me with one hand while pumping the dildo in and out of me with the other. In particular, when I’m lying on my back, I like when she occasionally presses down and plays with my belly button- it is sensitive for me. Running her hands across my chest and tweaking a nipple for a few moments is pleasurable. When I’m lying on my stomach, I like when she presses down on my lower back and butt cheek. A small smack on the butt here and there is fun too.
I like my wife to take control of the sex act, receiving as little direction from me as possible during the session. This can be tricky to pull off, especially when a partner isn’t naturally dominant. It’s further made challenging since my wife sometimes fears that she could hurt me, especially when playing with larger toys. There are several approaches we’ve taken to address this. In particular, I try communicating what I want before we start. Despite it sometimes being difficult to communicate sexual desires, I find that being explicit is better than leaving her to guess. This includes articulating what she should do “if” she encounters a situation.
I don’t like when my wife asks me if something hurts. To mitigate her concern, I’m upfront before we start that if something doesn’t feel good to me, I’ll articulate that we need to slow down or make a change. With this upfront conversation and understanding, it allows me to better lay back and relax knowing my wife is fully in control and knows what to do. Earlier in our relationship, we needed to talk more during sex to let the other know what felt good versus really, really good. However, with time, my wife has figured out my likes and my body cues so she can proceed with little input from me other than my moans of pleasure.
One might wonder what pleasure does a female gets from the act of penetrating a male partner anally with a handheld toy? All throughout, I’ve described how “I” am relieved of control and how “I” get pleasure; what pleasure does my wife get from all this? For some, the very act of one partner giving pleasure to another is a source of pleasure for the giver. However, this doesn’t apply in my case.
For me, we acknowledge that this act provides no pleasure for my wife. To some extent, it’s just plain work for her! It takes time, it gives her no physical pleasure, it can be messy with all the lube… it takes effort and concentration. For a while, we had explored pegging - where my wife would wear a strap-on dildo to penetrate me with the hope that she’d derive pleasure- but my wife didn’t like wearing a strap-on at all. I’m grateful that she at least gave it a try. As much as I sometimes fantasize about my wife pegging me, I respect her boundaries; anal dildo play with her using a handheld toy on me is the compromise.
So how does a couple reconcile the one-sidedness of the activity as in my case? There are various approaches, but for us, we agree that when we’re having receptive anal play performed on me, the focus is exclusively on my pleasure. Look at this as “a gift.” It’s a big gift. My wife is gifting me incredible physical pleasure and release without expecting anything in return. This selflessness on her part makes me love her even more. That she would care enough about me to do this is…. wow! I’m lucky.
That said, there must be clear expectations to ensure that each partners’ needs are met, sexual or otherwise. For some, this may involve swapping roles and the partners taking turns pleasuring each other. However, the reciprocation need not be transactional where one session on one partner necessitates one session for another (although I think the offer should at least be made with respect to sex). Reciprocation doesn’t necessarily need to be sexual. For us, there is no explicit trading. Rather, we approach it from the perspective that we each have different needs at different times. Communication of those needs and desires are daily and ongoing. Beyond mates, we are best friends. When my wife needs something, I’ll be there for her just as she is there for me. And that circles back to the topic of trust.
One would be completely missing the full value of receptive anal sex as I describe it if they see it solely through the lens of a physical activity. For those men like me, I’m sure you’ve at some point anally masturbated alone. How did it feel? Nothing like what I articulated above; I’d describe it as being analogous to eating a piece of stale bread or drinking flat soda pop- it looks and tastes the part, but it's lacking and bland.
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